Frivolous At Heart

I think is to care a lot! I think sometimes we care too much as an emotional species who’s higher being sometimes lack composure. I don’t think it’s in my right to care=) I’m too cold to care, too hard to please, and certainly too unemotional. I lack what feelings some have yet have filled it with air to cushion my fall. Nothing at all really. Not too complicated nor too simple; just about right.

No worries here. Nothing to apologize for. I would be more concerned with getting whatever business is at hand done than to call me. Not only five days ago did I spoke about this incidence and I expressed my discontent and again today, no call after work either. She said she will make all attempts to call as “usual”. I guess the apology was forgotten too? It’s okay, I’m over being upset. I’m more concerned with her getting with her friends to practice and succeeding her interview than calling. I want her to practice well and hopefully do well on the interview. Nothing more and no less.

Funny how in retrospect, when I was away up north, I didn’t call till hour pass 12 in the morning and I got a bitch fit. Or how when I don’t call until I’m on the road or half way somewhere. When I do call, it’s always “Why didn’t you call me earlier, you didn’t care to call me before you left your house”? Those are the two scenarios I find myself stuck in at always the most critical time within the day. Hypocrite. It’s okay, I’m not delicious.

I’m done getting upset. Takes a lot for me to get upset at someone and this matter isn’t one of them. Before, I didn’t get upset at anyone- the only ones that pushed my buttons were family. Everyone else, I could care less. That’s not to say I don’t care for my lover, it’s just I’m not frivolous with my feelings to such extent- an extent in which I thought the moon resembled me and how everything else that engulfs the moon in which embodied my lover, was surrounding, suffocating- pressing at my every parts and pocketing my whole like sheets of majestic fur. Needless to say, I’m no longer waiting till four am to receive a call. I’m going to bed. I find no more comfort in such frivolous behavior. As repeated by her this morning, … “hardcore” I am.

So no worries, I’ll be okay just like how I was in the beginning- no worries about anything. I’m the same loving person as I was in the beginning, just a little rough on the feelings department. But I grew, changed, and mellowed out. Change is good- especially changes in affection. Changes in behavior for the worst isn’t. For instance, taking people for granted, forgetting to do the little things that your loved one had always appreciated. I hate reminding others that they are “forgetting” the little things. I’m not reminding them anymore- don’t care. Act as you will and forget freely if you must. I don’t care. I guess in a way, my changes within the this beginning year isn’t as fruitful as I promised myself to make of it.

Yes, I promised myself that I would make changes in the “feelings” department knowing how she hates my “I don’t care” mind set but it has seemed to all cave in within itself and blew up into minute pieces- swept into a bin and left for scrap deep down in the west wing of my heart. I had always thought loving more didn’t necessarily mean to neglect or leave  behind what was once there. I’m the same person in the beginning as I was then and now, I loved more and brought along the little things she appreciated about me in the beginning along for the ride. I came and grew as a whole without missing any pieces. All of my friends relationships, they grew together and loved so deeply but along with it, they have each brought with them despair. They were both makeshift facades in the beginning and now have unleashed the beast if i may, and all is forgotten. I told myself at the frail age of 16 that I wouldn’t forget the little things in any relationship and trust me, I didn’t have many either.

Sure, the gf has grew to love myself in such deep ways like how dark things are meant to be loved but have forgotten little things that I have grew to appreciate and accustomed to but never taken for granted. I had to remind her a few times and also put in a request for a subtle change. It’s all about communication but I don’t want to communicate about frivolous aspects of my relationship anymore. I don’t want to dissect and over examine anything anymore. I’m still the same passionate person, if not even a more passionate person she met in the beginning but now I’ve sheathed away my dignity and walls are erected to block out what I don’t want to feel anymore. Changes are resolute, you must be well grounded. I’m quite resolute.

1) Click Start
2) All Programs
3) Select ‘Remote Assistance”
4) Menu Will Display Accordingly. Select “Invite Someone To Help You”
5) Allow Them Full Access. Sit there, Listen, Execute as per instructions.

I’m free of all attached sentimental value. Perhaps it was I that wished for more sentimental value from places that couldn’t supply the need. Perhaps I was greedy and needed attention. Perhaps, perhaps. I could simply be wrong but the fire that once burned so hot is now out. Only dancing silhouettes of half passed embers now resemble what we thought was smoke, is now only an illusion.

I have a heart with shrouds of stainless steel; not like the aluminum type my buddy Jimbo has. He always makes fun of me on how cold I am. I’m cold turkey now. What a tangent. It was a moment of bliss and I totally slipped out of my calloused and scared barrier which made me delusional and set my mind to a status of hunger which supersedes my swift yet stern composure I’ve always vouched in having.

I’m vexed because I’ve lost my foothold which made me have the tendency to unsheathe what rather, dignity, I had before hand. Just a moment of unrestrained bliss, a moment of weakness, a moment of frugal intentions, a moment of fragility- something which I thought I wound only feel when I’m lost and cornered like a beast who’s hinds are against wicked coarse walls of jagged rocks.

Prepared and trained as I’ve been all these passing moons, I will have my outer dermis and dignity sheathed at all time. I will not lose my foothold as to allow oneself to derail from what one believes as virtue of masculinity. Back on top.

Grrrhh! I was driving home and decided to give my gf a ring- four times within a span of an hour. The fourth call she picked up and said, “What is it Cau7!” like she was begining to be annoyed and said that I was basically “checking up on her” to see if she was doing what she said she was.

OMG, I only called and bugged her because I knew she had to be somewhere at noonish. My thinking was that if I bugged her within those intervals, I would keep her company until she got there instead of her driving there unacompanied. I guess i’m the “stalker” I suppose. If that’s the case, I won’t “stalk” anymore. I only wanted to bug her because I was thinking of her.

That’s fine, I won’t bother her anymore without good reasons. I guess in a way, I wanted to be bothered the same way because it would make me feel wanted or feel special. Very corny but very true. I guess when you get too comfy, you are allowed to say, “What do you want!” when you answer the phone and think it’s perfectly okay. That’s being taken for granted in my view. Don’t complain if I don’t call anymore.

Funny how at first they would love to receive your calls and talk to you in the freezing rain or hang upside down if it required them to do so- just so they can talk to you a little longer. I remember those sweet, sweet moments but they are no more. Now it’s only an annoyance and or they wont make the effort or give you the time. It would tickle their fancy just to chit-chat about anything just so long as you accompanied them on the phone. It seems this behavior is only repeated when you meet new people of interest because you want to show to the other party that you are willing to “walk the extra mile”. I guess that mile is up and now it’s no more. Just a facade I suppose.

Stalking? Thanks, thanks a lot. I’m not the police patrol. I won’t ask into details what your regular daily outings are anymore. I might be accused of prying, prying into something I thought I could be apart of.

This is as common of an issue in any relationship. I know that in the beginning, the gf is very uncomfortable with this issue and she still is. So long as she doesn’t hear about it or know about it, she’s fine but if she gets wind of it, she’ll feel uncomfortable and I can understand that. Last thing I want to do is to make the gf uncomfortable and have concerns. You just don’t want to do that to a person you love. Subtract that out of all relationships if you love the person.

So about a month ago, she told me that she can’t prevent people from having an interest in her. That was a “told you so” factor. So I assumed someone has keen interest of her. If anyone is in any type of a relationship, you know that other people will take keen interest in your mate and that is inevitable- something out of your control. What is controllable are the facts that she can control her fate and outcome of this newly sprung interest(s). How he or she handles this type of scenario all depends on how faithful they are to their mate.

Looking at the gf’s scenario, she’s told me countless of times that she can simply quell trying times such as these in a way to let the advancer know that she is uninterested in a stern manner. You can only let your mate do such parry to offset the balance between what’s black and white. To keep things simple, don’t let things out of hand i.e. don’t extend your friendship into a [could be] blooming relationship. It’s okay to have friends but it’s not okay to be friends with someone who has interests in you (just think of how you would feel if the roles were switched). You should be fending these outliers with wit and etiquette yet subtle and ferocious tenderness. This act is reciprocal. This is an act of commitment.

I beg to differ but I was one without worries of these situations. What would only make me worry is for the fact that I have mistreatd my significant other. Think of it this way… If you don’t listen to your mate, they’ll find someone else whom will listen to them. No matter how boring or uninterested you are, always bear mind to give an ear or two. The fact is, if I was mistreated, I would look elsewhere from whom will treat me with more compassion. Even a dog knows when its ill treated and will jump the fence for greener pastures. We are better than dogs I suppose.

I have no idea who likes her but I know someone does. It doesn’t bother me but what bothers me is if she doesn’t try to avoid it. Go figure, who wouldn’t be bothered? She once said, “why would I look at other women when I have her to look at everyday” and in a sense, if I did look at other women with slivery tactful eyes, hell would decends upon me like black on white. She’s right of course, I don’t need other women to look at, just her would be sufficient. She will have many other men who will have interest in her even during marriage if you want to take it that far and all I can do is trust in her judgement for my own sanity.

This is only an assumption and I won’t press this issue on her. She’ll press it on me though but thats her being her and I don’t blame her womenly intuitions one bit. If she decides to tell me about it, she will in time. If not, than I’m perfectly content as well. This would only show how much she values my views of her ordeal and the trust that she has in me.

I was wrong today because I didn’t put the gf’s feelings first. I’m such a coarse person that I sometimes forget whats important around me. The way I am, I’m coarse with everyone because of my brutal honesty. I could have put things in more subtle terms- something that wont hurt her feelings and that would make a point. I meant every word of it but I should have been nice about it. I forget sometimes and It may sound perfectly logical yet it really is too coarse.

I do apologize for my swift and thoughtless remarks. It does make me feel bad that I hurt her feelings. Today was totally my fault and I felt like an ass. No one’s pointing fingers but obviously, the finger is towards me straight in the face. I make my points on the expense of other peoples feelings and thats perfectly okay by me. Just not towards the gf. I’m forgetful and I won’t do that anymore. She’s not just anyone else but someone I love and I should be a little more careful and put thought into what I say before any repercussion from her.

I hate that face that I’m right yet wrong; conveying a message with such coarseness is rude on my part. I will be more assertive the next time ’round. I only hope that she doesn’t get more angry towards me. I noticed subtle changes in her mood when she’s angry and I don’t like it. It’s not her fault she’s that way; she is because of me and that in turn makes me feel bad. To have her smile and be happy is something I enjoy.

Well the mum asked a few to go. It would be just her, my sister and myself. I was ready this morning and my sister came to check up on her. She said she didn’t want to go anymore. Ranting about how not everyone is going that she asked and that we are going to arrive late. We are always late for every occasion at church anyhow.

It’s okay. Best next year and try not to arrive late I guess =) It’s a nice Sunday morning. Lots of work to do around the house. I like working around the house anyways. Before all that fun, we decided we are going to go get some breakfast. Got to get the boogers ready! More weight added to my already fat frame yeah!

I was contemplating on how I should piece together a bumble bee for my nephew. His class requires that he builds a bumble bee from scratch. Other students are assigned different animals of course. I originally was going to cut mine out from the wood lathe but decided that would be too much work. I went to Michaels and purchased a swan egg and two round spheres. Went home and cut them to add a marginal degree to the bumble bee’s body. Worked out great and the shape was just right!

I of course, did all the “dangerous” work because my nephew can’t use my mitering saw, my drill, and my staple gun. He helped with the other “stuff” to piece together this project and I have to say, he was quite unhelpful- okay, I was a hog. He really couldn’t do anything but glue stuff and cut shapes out for me which is more than enough of assistance I could use of him.

Tomorrow, I, excuse me, “we” need to make wings for the bee and finish up the project. I need a fine metal brush to brush the felt to make it more fuzzy and puffy. I’ll have to figure something out tomorrow. Then after fruition, we would need to school my nephew on bumble bees and etc. Wouldn’t want the teacher to pull a quick one on him!