Frivolous At Heart

Finally! I have now, an IPOD for my full sadistic & unmoral pleasure=) I love music, though somewhat boring of a genre you might think but I love the type of music that I listen to. Nice and slow, classy, and very boring=) Just my type of music to set the correct mindset.

How did I come of this? Well it started many moons ago when I was promised one and patiently waited until this special day came=) $300 USD later, I’m now free to block out the world around me even more! My friend CHIM purchased it for me- actually he purchased two, one for Jay and another for I. We got free IPODs and are extremely happy for such a blessing! Now we must get to using it which will take us quite a bit of time to learn the curvature of the proprietary Appleware.

It’s silly how I did not know what an IPOD was when Apple first started making them! I was clueless until CHIM updated me. He’s like my key to the hip-hop culture, new gadgets, and the latest gossips. I thank him for such and I thank him even more for my 30GIG IPOD!!! Yay!!!

Check out the photo I stole from Apple (imagine how big my smile was):

I am, for most part, very unemotional. It’s true. I’m unemotional towards everything and everyone. The ones that I actually have at heart feel my warmth tremendously. Like a furnace on a cold blizzard night, I am it. I feel that I’m indifferent and cold at all times but that does not necessarily convey my absolute state towards everything.

She says I’m unemotional and that is why she shall not consider me. True fact- she is right. I shall have no one pick me like a fruit basking in the sun at the market. I am not compared to a fruit nor am I one up for consideration from the masses. I hold high above where it’s low. I shall not be construed as a man without passion because I’m a blossom only needing little coaxing for full bloom. That which she shall not find out for she opens to me not!

To have her think that of me is very inconsiderate considering how I’m a shadow during the day and wind during the night. I’m as light as a thought yet mean so little. How will she ever find out if she, herself, does not embrace me? So choosing, I’m not important nor doe she care for me as a friend, to have second thoughts.

I ask of nothing from her. She refuses, denies and revokes me but still I press on as a loyal friend and care for nothing else than her embrace as a fellow friend. Being a friend to her is an up hill climb or so she makes it that way. She tends to make things complex rather than looking at the facts and blessing them. My friendship comes with no intention in hopes of escalating our friendship to more intimate planes.

I’m passionate about her. She once said she was intimidated and afraid of me. Why? Magical powers I assume. I’m only a plain man with plain powers- the power to associate, create, and love fervently. It seems she builds walls around herself because she is afraid. Fortified and lost. The veil is her phone. Passion seems to travel from her phone to mine like an aroma that makes your thoughts sizzle with intellect. It feels as though she is a different person while on the phone. She expresses her self and falters like anyone else. She is afraid to show
passion face to face for she is afraid of my starring into her heart.

I conclude that I’m unemotional but never to her. It seems that I am but only because she revokes me and is afraid of what might proceed next. Why be afraid of me and drift farther from this? You’ll find me in the same spot you have left me.

My heart has stopped beating momentarily only to realize I have waken to a new moment pressed on by my desire to hold on. I have yet to regain my dominance over worldly obligations. For to wake in moments of agony glorifies my needs to stamp out the rage that surrounds me. It is more pleasant to keep the dark and the dimness at bay than it is to inflict it upon the living. Held on by what slivers of yarn inlaid by veins of the heartless to keep sane. I am enriched by the heavens and condemned by living.

To cut my tongue slightly and let the blood trickle behind my throat to know that I’m still capable as a human, as a person, as a man; to still love what deserves to be loved… myself, ourself, my precious. The sinew that keeps my heart from darkening in places I am complacent and little do I know, I’m dragged slowly on the sandy gravel that rips my skin open while the tightening shackles on my ankle decides to eat through my flesh. The pain is unimaginable yet I find comfort and self-worth for petty and intangible reasons. Reasons that I think are not good
enough for love; a lover’s infection.

My thoughts are skewed and facades left unattended; I’m broken. I’m misunderstood and so my trail of spotty blood patterns seem to recede under the threshold- left by the door – kicked, scuffed and stepped on. Were I given entrance at all? Have I been marked by you, looked over and forgotten?

The feelings are mutual I guess and so I assume it is time to severe all bonds that connect us or rather, the bonds that connect I to you. Mutual I guess and mutual I assume. I would go on my ways as a lost soul once again until I drift to another light, to one light, that will guide my footfalls true and hinder my entrance no more. No more I say! I and you did never exist but perhaps a pretense for myself, for I; hope is not lost.

Generally speaking, to have someone at heart is to look after that person’s good interest at all times. I would have to admit, you can’t hold the particular person’s hand through everything in life but that is not what I’m trying to get across.

To be a friend and I dont mean “hi-bye” ones either but true good friends means to look after that person’s interest. Literally speaking everyone is looking out for themselves and we do this naturally. Once this has been accomplished, you should have the common courtesy to look after your friend or many friends.

For example, taking someone else’s slack when you know they are not able. Or taking notice that someone needs a certain something and you go out of your way to get it for them when you know darn well they are not capable of doing so themselves. Doing things you necessarily don’t need to do but you do so because you are friends and friends sometimes rely on others.

Well seeing as how I’ve explained all that, I’d like to say that I have not experienced any kind of oldfashion friendship from a particular person. Not that I request or demand of it but It would be nice sometimes to
feel that you are actually placed at heart by that person. In other words, to know that you actually mean something to that person instead of them just brushing you off.

I know, why still friends with this person? Well I believe everyone deserves chances (if many) to prove me wrong. I hold this person very dear at heart. But she seems to lack the rebound? It’s okay! I have faith in her. I’m very forgiving though I have left her alone for most part because she seems to be uninterested in me as a friend (if we are even friends at all I feel).

I’m away for the weekend here in Palm Beach. Had to be counseled for miscellaneous reasons. Four hour to and another four back. How exciting! It was the only time I actually had time to “listen”, I mean, REALLY listen to my jazz and classical music. Yo Yo Ma seems to frequent the classical station more and more lately.

I really like Yo Yo Ma- a great cellist and artist. You probably know of his music in the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The piece you are most familiar with is probably The Eternal Vow. I feel so weak emotionally when I listen to Yo Yo Ma. There is so much passion that affliction has little meaning to me. So soothing yet so suicidal. So
grand yet mystifying.

I feel as though my soul plays the same rhythm and beckons for answersfrom sources not so willing. The piece has an uncanny and irresistible connotation provoked by the title and answered in riddles by the tunes. I’m in love with the.

Well, I would like to start off by letting others know that I’m so very happy! My friend has snagged a friend;) They are dating now! It’s interesting, during their courtship that is, that he had so many common feelings of emptiness and was lost if not confused.

I was there for him and I’ve probably heard him belch an earth full of cries and whimpers alike. He was complaining like a little sissy but all is well because he isn’t confused anymore. I’m so glad and thrilled for him! Now I’ll see less and less of him around here. O how they grow so fast! My one of many minions will retire in hibernation for quite some time.

All is well! Many praises to the ones higher than I! The feelings are mutual. To have someone look upon you with dignity and harness lust with spirit abound is inspiring.

It’s funny how life chides us at the moment we are most feeble. I felt that urge to just let go.., and I did quite so unwillingly. I do not know how to start nor do I know how to finish *thoughts*.

Beautiful had interest in someone or thought someone was “hot”. Of course, I supported her and urged her to speak to him. I know for most part, anyone with common caliber would have been sad and felt a little angry. I know of many kinds that justify this well. I don’t blame someone for feeling all is lost and nothing will come of it. For matter of fact, I have apathy for those that are selfish and inconsiderate of such matters.

Likewise, I do not know why I was so supportive of her and can only imagine what she would have felt if I wasn’t. She needs no acknowledgement nor does she need rights to lust for others she feels compelled and or attracted to. It’s only natural for someone to define and refine their tunes to someone with rhythm.

We got to talking and she asked I, If I had still so desired her… Of course it’s obvious I still lust with fiery for fairies without questions. I don’t remember the exact phrases that we both had exchanged but I know she was sad she can not give forth what I had desired.

She should not feel sad for me but feel thrilled to find someone attractive to her. Be sad without reason is with reasons conjured from your soul is beautiful. Who shall be sad for you when you are without light? No one will, so you must take stand and be sad for no one. Step on (quite a few) toes and voice your thoughts freely, for not doing so, you will be cornered and flanked by your hind quarters. Lust (added) with pressure- I’m immune, are you?

I see that speckle of happiness within her and I am enamored. To be appointed to such charm is well worth my own happiness. I do not see such true happiness in a lot of people whom I meet during my drift. If she is happy than I shall be happy for her. My emotions towards her is like a light switch. She requests that we are ONLY friends and so I accept it; however, my desire, encapsulated within it’s own bubble, for her can not be turned off.

Nomad:

I have not had interest in anyone for quite sometime and so my feelings are now,… in an environment of unstable heretical thoughts. My emotions are bleak to non-existing. Though I do find myself confined and always anticipating for peril. I am a person whom you would say very unconventional. I am for the most part, very unconventional and very liberal. Though many see it as being odd and perhaps thinking that I’m a FREAK. I
must oblige for to be normal is to be uninteresting.

Perhaps I have had interest in a particular person but did not come to the realization of ever seeing her again. I may sound harsh and often reflect this state upon my own rational thoughts but I do admit, I’m pleased to have seen her once gain. From within, my longing for this person, goes back many years, has captivated me for the better half of me. I still am the most calm and resolute person as I’ve always been. Still, she captivates me in an ironic approach… she shows me there are still people out there with spunk. I find that very appealing. Don’t you think so? I knew that you would.

I find life to be very interesting simply for the fact that life in itself, is a mirror for the past and the present. I’ve foreseen all that can be and all that was. I’ve lost a step or two and can no longer see in a direction I have come to be accustomed to… carefree. I do not have it in myself to genuinely care for many and the masses but only for a few. I am the water that quenches your thirst and I am the many bodies that interlay the sources of an enigma: I am complex.

With many facades one can display, there is ultimately a single person within a person; an image erected from within another that feigns and lacks wholeness. I try not to dupe myself into something I do not want to become. Something I loathe and evidently,… I have become. You see it with your eyes but taste the drift by the prickly hair behind the nape. Sometimes GOD burdens us with an extra sense. It’s solemn the way how one vision can intervene another. How is that your hindsight differs from your first impression?

I am like the many raindrops betrayed by the heavens to fall without wings. I am pure within but seem so fictitious as the stagnant pond waters I inhabit. I am surrounded by the inanimate, I am engulfed by it’s flames. I am the pyre that is blind in both eyes for I choose no sides. As the heaven’s roar cannot quench my thirst, I cannot be dispatched nor can I be remedied of my desires for her. I am inconclusive

I have a six inch diameter cylinder candle that contains three wicks.It’s burgundy I suppose from the images
given below. Well I had lit the candle for many days on ends and burn it did! I find myself guessing “why does
one wick stop burning?”- the other two wicks are fine and burns with fiery. Ah?, it is drowning in it’s own pool of waxy fuel.

As you can see the photos below, it’s obvious that the interior or the “gut” as I call it, was being slowly excavated by the searing heat provided by the three lit wicks. It’s actually caving in itself and doing more harm than good (lighting my room for that O fuzzy feeling).

My solution: Cut it! I didn’t know it took such muscles and breath. I found muscles aching where I had originally thought didn’t exist? Ironic! Yup, I consider that deed quite handy! Check it out!

“Uncouth and lined with gold, a heart with many aches. Inseams from left to right bringing along fevering blight. Threaded with strands of silver encased in a thrice prison. Murmur here, a quiver there, no voice exists, O but bliss. Perchance some air or certe perhaps glinted signs of light. Choking and gasping, no one knows and no one cares. Signs of desperation are not noticed as the tears run dry. Thoughts are for one lover, considerations are for two.”

As lovers, you take each other in sweet embrace knowing that your love is undying and appreciated mutually. As you both engorge in a fanatic lovers twine, some realize all there that exists is love. One may question compatibility whilsts the other is captivated as they dream of dreams. All lovers fret but at times, you realize you both are not meant for one another. Love that person to only see them gone. If you hold on, both of you will be like rocks under a river bed weathering together but perchance, one rock will weather a saturated hue as both will not grey in unison. With that knowledge, the only reason one person has not been washed to shore is self-pity for the others happiness. Such a sacrifice but who will think of you whilsts you are too busy anticipating for an unjust cause? Ignorance is bliss for loving someone who loves you for pity sakes. Such gyse you have brought forth whilsts playing an advocate for Louie. Your heart learns to love and shall love for merit. Tortured by your own devices, you find solas in blank books for you have written none.