Frivolous At Heart

I’m over here in Maryland and I am relieved that I went. We made good time driving here together and I wasn’t bored I bit. I slept and drove- we took turns. I hate driving in general and I once had a dedicated driver=) It’s okay, I’ll hire a maid for that. There were a lot of strange things I saw during my trip here. I saw signs warning drivers of speed traps most noticeably. I thought that was odd. What I found most odd was that during my many pit stops to unanimous gas stations one in particular station had the 93 octane gas handle covered with cob webs- it was intertwined in the handle. That is a dead give away that people around town don’t purchase 93 octane gasoline. It’s way too expensive and even myself, purchase 87 octane.

This road trip was opted because two flights and a car rental is three times our gas expenses. This way, we saved money and spend some quality time driving up here :::sigh:::. I would imagine going up here all the time would be a pain in the butt. When I do settle up here, I will take a train up here and drive the rest of the way to my destination. I hope my companion can accompany me. Part of me wants them to get the position and part of me wants them to come along. I would rather them get the position because I know that would make them happy but I guess my happiness can always be on the back burners. I don’t have a problem with that. If I don’t see them during that week, I probably won’t see them for a long time. She’s my best friend:)

Anywho, I derailed a bit there. I have a photo I took and I can’t upload it because I don’t have the card reader for the pro duo card. I had put it aside to bring along with me but incidentally, I forgot it. That was the only thing I forgot. The next time, I should write down a list of things I need to bring along, cross reference it before I step out the door and I should be alright! I’m tired. I got another six hours of driving to do tomorrow before I finally reach my destination. Then I shall look for apartments. Got to have good pickings before they are all gone and I would have to settle for mediocre choices.

I forgot to mention that I also noticed the water in Maryland has a very strong chlorine odor. I turned on the faucet and I can smell the chlorine. I asked my buddy that lives there and he says he doesn’t smell anything. He’s use to it. I can tell a difference because at home in Florida, the chlorine in the water has a very neutral odor compared to Maryland’s.

This song is old or so I’m told. I don’t listen to the radio and I’m not “hip”.

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I’m so excited for school that I need to concentrate and move on. Though I believe love sometimes don’t work out the way we always wish it would, the time to move on must be pushed forward and that the music must continue on playing. I would much rather finish school and do what is necessary to accomplish my short and long term goals.

I know as love moves on, I won’t have the opportunity to see anyone new nor do I want to. Love struck me when I least expected it. I’ll be celibate for the next three-four years into my journey and maybe longer after it. I’m quite picky when it comes to women- go figure. That’s not to say I’m anymore special than the man standing next to me; it’s just a preference and nothing more. I’m needing time for comfort. Comfort in myself. Comfort with my surroundings. I’m not so easily impressed and I’m too ridged to be emotionally swayed. I’ve seen plenty of beautiful women but they don’t do anything for me and vice versa.

I need a new inspiration: myself. I’m the only person that inspires themselves or so I would like to believe in so. I don’t need any outside inspiration or any animate affliction to induce such emotions. I would like to be accompanied by sweet friends and wallow in all the fun and exciting times that are to come. I’m always surrounded by charismatic and genuine people and I leave it at that note that I shall succeed in all my wanderings.

I don’t feel damaged or broken. I’m in one whole piece. I thought I felt that way but it was an adrenaline rush I suppose. Nothing more a man can do when he is left with nothing and everything. All things that can be done are all ready undone. All things that have been done are all irrelevant. Irrelevancy echoes in my past and shows no imprints upon my heart. No marks have been left there nor will I leave anything to be expressed, hashed, and embedded into my soul. I have left for good and need not disturbance. I’m nothing more than the plume of smoke left aside once a fire has been put out. I’m invincible.

When they do, they are more likely to lie to you and make up excuses. Lie even underneath your nose- right in front of your face. It’s never okay to hang out with people whom like you, especially one on one. It’s not okay to hang out with prior ex’s. It’s not okay to lie about it. Just don’t do it at all…

If someone truly loved you for all that you were worth, nothing could stop them from loving you. Not even their parents, not even distance, not even other rivals. It only happens by chance, when they have fallen out of love and no longer are in love with you. Then they start talking to other people- even the ones that like them.

I completely understand this. It’s true, no glove no love. There’s no such thing as hanging out with other males other than yourself. If you do, take your bf/gf with you. If you loved them so tenderly,  you wouldn’t do such a thing. Everyone has their own views and mine seems too up tight but if I were to do such things, all hell would break loose. It’s okay if they do it- go figure -.

I gave it my all and it’s a no go. Perhaps it’s time to let the things you love most go their own path, lead their own direction, and be on their own or find a new love. I don’t expect anything extraordinary nor a miracle. Those hours have passed and I’m alone at the currents’ mercy. It would have been a year by now within the coming weeks.

I enjoyed our time together. I have no regrets. Love is a risk. Love is like a seed that you implant into the person you love and hope that it grows as you nurture it ever so tenderly. Within the many coming winters, reaping the benefits is grand. Sometimes love isn’t like that. Sometimes the plant wilts and no longer yearns for your company and you die with it.

Love sometimes is like the water washing over the rocks underneath a river bed. Sometimes you are swept away with it and other times you are drowned upon it. If you have it really bad, you’ll be torn in two worlds. Is that something not to risk for? I would risk it over and over again just so I might find that one special ripple even if I had to be torn to bits ten folds.

I think is to care a lot! I think sometimes we care too much as an emotional species who’s higher being sometimes lack composure. I don’t think it’s in my right to care=) I’m too cold to care, too hard to please, and certainly too unemotional. I lack what feelings some have yet have filled it with air to cushion my fall. Nothing at all really. Not too complicated nor too simple; just about right.

No worries here. Nothing to apologize for. I would be more concerned with getting whatever business is at hand done than to call me. Not only five days ago did I spoke about this incidence and I expressed my discontent and again today, no call after work either. She said she will make all attempts to call as “usual”. I guess the apology was forgotten too? It’s okay, I’m over being upset. I’m more concerned with her getting with her friends to practice and succeeding her interview than calling. I want her to practice well and hopefully do well on the interview. Nothing more and no less.

Funny how in retrospect, when I was away up north, I didn’t call till hour pass 12 in the morning and I got a bitch fit. Or how when I don’t call until I’m on the road or half way somewhere. When I do call, it’s always “Why didn’t you call me earlier, you didn’t care to call me before you left your house”? Those are the two scenarios I find myself stuck in at always the most critical time within the day. Hypocrite. It’s okay, I’m not delicious.

I’m done getting upset. Takes a lot for me to get upset at someone and this matter isn’t one of them. Before, I didn’t get upset at anyone- the only ones that pushed my buttons were family. Everyone else, I could care less. That’s not to say I don’t care for my lover, it’s just I’m not frivolous with my feelings to such extent- an extent in which I thought the moon resembled me and how everything else that engulfs the moon in which embodied my lover, was surrounding, suffocating- pressing at my every parts and pocketing my whole like sheets of majestic fur. Needless to say, I’m no longer waiting till four am to receive a call. I’m going to bed. I find no more comfort in such frivolous behavior. As repeated by her this morning, … “hardcore” I am.

So no worries, I’ll be okay just like how I was in the beginning- no worries about anything. I’m the same loving person as I was in the beginning, just a little rough on the feelings department. But I grew, changed, and mellowed out. Change is good- especially changes in affection. Changes in behavior for the worst isn’t. For instance, taking people for granted, forgetting to do the little things that your loved one had always appreciated. I hate reminding others that they are “forgetting” the little things. I’m not reminding them anymore- don’t care. Act as you will and forget freely if you must. I don’t care. I guess in a way, my changes within the this beginning year isn’t as fruitful as I promised myself to make of it.

Yes, I promised myself that I would make changes in the “feelings” department knowing how she hates my “I don’t care” mind set but it has seemed to all cave in within itself and blew up into minute pieces- swept into a bin and left for scrap deep down in the west wing of my heart. I had always thought loving more didn’t necessarily mean to neglect or leave  behind what was once there. I’m the same person in the beginning as I was then and now, I loved more and brought along the little things she appreciated about me in the beginning along for the ride. I came and grew as a whole without missing any pieces. All of my friends relationships, they grew together and loved so deeply but along with it, they have each brought with them despair. They were both makeshift facades in the beginning and now have unleashed the beast if i may, and all is forgotten. I told myself at the frail age of 16 that I wouldn’t forget the little things in any relationship and trust me, I didn’t have many either.

Sure, the gf has grew to love myself in such deep ways like how dark things are meant to be loved but have forgotten little things that I have grew to appreciate and accustomed to but never taken for granted. I had to remind her a few times and also put in a request for a subtle change. It’s all about communication but I don’t want to communicate about frivolous aspects of my relationship anymore. I don’t want to dissect and over examine anything anymore. I’m still the same passionate person, if not even a more passionate person she met in the beginning but now I’ve sheathed away my dignity and walls are erected to block out what I don’t want to feel anymore. Changes are resolute, you must be well grounded. I’m quite resolute.

1) Click Start
2) All Programs
3) Select ‘Remote Assistance”
4) Menu Will Display Accordingly. Select “Invite Someone To Help You”
5) Allow Them Full Access. Sit there, Listen, Execute as per instructions.

I’m free of all attached sentimental value. Perhaps it was I that wished for more sentimental value from places that couldn’t supply the need. Perhaps I was greedy and needed attention. Perhaps, perhaps. I could simply be wrong but the fire that once burned so hot is now out. Only dancing silhouettes of half passed embers now resemble what we thought was smoke, is now only an illusion.

I have a heart with shrouds of stainless steel; not like the aluminum type my buddy Jimbo has. He always makes fun of me on how cold I am. I’m cold turkey now. What a tangent. It was a moment of bliss and I totally slipped out of my calloused and scared barrier which made me delusional and set my mind to a status of hunger which supersedes my swift yet stern composure I’ve always vouched in having.

I’m vexed because I’ve lost my foothold which made me have the tendency to unsheathe what rather, dignity, I had before hand. Just a moment of unrestrained bliss, a moment of weakness, a moment of frugal intentions, a moment of fragility- something which I thought I wound only feel when I’m lost and cornered like a beast who’s hinds are against wicked coarse walls of jagged rocks.

Prepared and trained as I’ve been all these passing moons, I will have my outer dermis and dignity sheathed at all time. I will not lose my foothold as to allow oneself to derail from what one believes as virtue of masculinity. Back on top.

Grrrhh! I was driving home and decided to give my gf a ring- four times within a span of an hour. The fourth call she picked up and said, “What is it Cau7!” like she was begining to be annoyed and said that I was basically “checking up on her” to see if she was doing what she said she was.

OMG, I only called and bugged her because I knew she had to be somewhere at noonish. My thinking was that if I bugged her within those intervals, I would keep her company until she got there instead of her driving there unacompanied. I guess i’m the “stalker” I suppose. If that’s the case, I won’t “stalk” anymore. I only wanted to bug her because I was thinking of her.

That’s fine, I won’t bother her anymore without good reasons. I guess in a way, I wanted to be bothered the same way because it would make me feel wanted or feel special. Very corny but very true. I guess when you get too comfy, you are allowed to say, “What do you want!” when you answer the phone and think it’s perfectly okay. That’s being taken for granted in my view. Don’t complain if I don’t call anymore.

Funny how at first they would love to receive your calls and talk to you in the freezing rain or hang upside down if it required them to do so- just so they can talk to you a little longer. I remember those sweet, sweet moments but they are no more. Now it’s only an annoyance and or they wont make the effort or give you the time. It would tickle their fancy just to chit-chat about anything just so long as you accompanied them on the phone. It seems this behavior is only repeated when you meet new people of interest because you want to show to the other party that you are willing to “walk the extra mile”. I guess that mile is up and now it’s no more. Just a facade I suppose.

Stalking? Thanks, thanks a lot. I’m not the police patrol. I won’t ask into details what your regular daily outings are anymore. I might be accused of prying, prying into something I thought I could be apart of.