Frivolous At Heart

No worries here. Nothing to apologize for. I would be more concerned with getting whatever business is at hand done than to call me. Not only five days ago did I spoke about this incidence and I expressed my discontent and again today, no call after work either. She said she will make all attempts to call as “usual”. I guess the apology was forgotten too? It’s okay, I’m over being upset. I’m more concerned with her getting with her friends to practice and succeeding her interview than calling. I want her to practice well and hopefully do well on the interview. Nothing more and no less.

Funny how in retrospect, when I was away up north, I didn’t call till hour pass 12 in the morning and I got a bitch fit. Or how when I don’t call until I’m on the road or half way somewhere. When I do call, it’s always “Why didn’t you call me earlier, you didn’t care to call me before you left your house”? Those are the two scenarios I find myself stuck in at always the most critical time within the day. Hypocrite. It’s okay, I’m not delicious.

I’m done getting upset. Takes a lot for me to get upset at someone and this matter isn’t one of them. Before, I didn’t get upset at anyone- the only ones that pushed my buttons were family. Everyone else, I could care less. That’s not to say I don’t care for my lover, it’s just I’m not frivolous with my feelings to such extent- an extent in which I thought the moon resembled me and how everything else that engulfs the moon in which embodied my lover, was surrounding, suffocating- pressing at my every parts and pocketing my whole like sheets of majestic fur. Needless to say, I’m no longer waiting till four am to receive a call. I’m going to bed. I find no more comfort in such frivolous behavior. As repeated by her this morning, … “hardcore” I am.

So no worries, I’ll be okay just like how I was in the beginning- no worries about anything. I’m the same loving person as I was in the beginning, just a little rough on the feelings department. But I grew, changed, and mellowed out. Change is good- especially changes in affection. Changes in behavior for the worst isn’t. For instance, taking people for granted, forgetting to do the little things that your loved one had always appreciated. I hate reminding others that they are “forgetting” the little things. I’m not reminding them anymore- don’t care. Act as you will and forget freely if you must. I don’t care. I guess in a way, my changes within the this beginning year isn’t as fruitful as I promised myself to make of it.

Yes, I promised myself that I would make changes in the “feelings” department knowing how she hates my “I don’t care” mind set but it has seemed to all cave in within itself and blew up into minute pieces- swept into a bin and left for scrap deep down in the west wing of my heart. I had always thought loving more didn’t necessarily mean to neglect or leave  behind what was once there. I’m the same person in the beginning as I was then and now, I loved more and brought along the little things she appreciated about me in the beginning along for the ride. I came and grew as a whole without missing any pieces. All of my friends relationships, they grew together and loved so deeply but along with it, they have each brought with them despair. They were both makeshift facades in the beginning and now have unleashed the beast if i may, and all is forgotten. I told myself at the frail age of 16 that I wouldn’t forget the little things in any relationship and trust me, I didn’t have many either.

Sure, the gf has grew to love myself in such deep ways like how dark things are meant to be loved but have forgotten little things that I have grew to appreciate and accustomed to but never taken for granted. I had to remind her a few times and also put in a request for a subtle change. It’s all about communication but I don’t want to communicate about frivolous aspects of my relationship anymore. I don’t want to dissect and over examine anything anymore. I’m still the same passionate person, if not even a more passionate person she met in the beginning but now I’ve sheathed away my dignity and walls are erected to block out what I don’t want to feel anymore. Changes are resolute, you must be well grounded. I’m quite resolute.

My sisters like all women, believe that you must hold on to something that belongs to you. Women in general, feel insecure that their man is going to study, out for lunch, or chat to another woman without them fearing that they will lose them. That is true and I know that for a fact, a lot of men fall for someone else that they “hang out” with. I understand the woman’s point of view and how they are insecure about all this.

My take on it is that if you have a sound relationship, your partner won’t do things like that. Why would they need to? If they do, they are not for you and that kind is not something you want to keep around. Someone true to you and themselves will draw a line between anything when the need arises.

You certainly can’t expect your gf/bf to drop everything and have a new life with you. That isn’t possible. Friends will always be there; your gf/bf may or may not. Let them hang out with their friends guy or girl. If they are going to leave you, no matter how tight your grasp, they will leave without hesitation. Be patient and secure with yourself so those around you will be too. You can’t keep a heart happy by chaining their leg to yours; they’ll find else where to nest at.