Frivolous At Heart

Mimi and I separated. I needed a week to get a hold of myself, to walk away, to calm my nerves, to allow the reserved due-diligence. I’ve told her many moons ago that she would leave me for someone at her work. Those many nights when she would come home late or not call at all, I knew something was wrong. That’s history. The point is, I needed a week. I was over her in a week. Honestly, we still had contact after we separated but I was being treated like I didn’t matter- it was okay- had to fulfill my promises so hurt me gently. I knew what I was getting into and I enjoyed every moment of it

My friend is going through a break-up and he’s not letting go. Women are disposable like gloves in waste bins. So are men. Women and men are whores I explained to my friend. Both sexes are at fault. Imagining your once loved doing the naughty with else said kills him inside. As for me, I smile inside. I neither care nor think about it. They will repeat the cycle over again, and get sexually ravaged and mentally abused. It’s okay, there are billions of women/men out there, so pick your poison wisely.

Patience is key in this matter. You don’t always win your battles but it’s always in good nature that you sometimes turn the other cheek in feigned ignorance to allow the situation or a dilemma to sway towards your will without notions of frustration.

We may be without frustrations but they always get to us against our will. With frustration comes reserve. With wholesome reserve thus consumes patience.

I Can’t wait to go to school once more. I have one more summer and If all goes as planned, I shall go up for school once more. I’m going to throw away more knick-knacks before I go. All they do is clutter things up. Like life, small insignificant memories, if you keep them with you, they start to clutter your thoughts one memory at a time until they make themselves known. At that point, you have already broken to pieces that literally can’t be put back together.

I try to keep clutter out of my life and I try to make my path as smooth as possible so that I won’t entangle myself into a mess that I can’t dissolve. Anything that is meaningless, I let go. Anything that serves value but lacks intention, is also forgotten. I want to go away and not come back until i’m done. I want to concentrate on my life as though I’m the only important part in it and that everything else drifts behind. I want to be like the sea, pushing contaminants on the shore and supporting what seems endless. I rather be the sea water; engulfing what I can’t dissolve and building what I think can sustain.

Sometimes my mind drifts too far and I lose track, time, and resolve. That is when the waves crash and the skies cry only until I’ve found myself again; a mirror looking back at me, the sky, to remind me what I am, what I shall be, and the end result of my journey. This is what keeps me going.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

We are approaching 2009 very soon. I came home for thanksgiving only to throw away a toothbrush we once shared and to put away a card I left out when I left in a hurry. Life goes on. I miss this house, my bed, my secrets, my office. I have nothing really to say but to an extent that my holiday was a wonderful one. I have so little time and a million things to do; I didn’t accomplish all of them needless to say. I will return for xmas and try to complete them all. I had so many people to see but family is always first so I didn’t get to see a lot of my friends whom are a little upset. I’m sorry. I wish there was more time. Once I come back to school, it’s finals! Study Study Study! Coming back brings so much warm memories. I wanted to stop by Burlington to get some gloves for winter and maybe a few more boxer briefs but didn’t get a chance to. I’ll get them later on when I come back. I did get some contacts though. I didn’t have time last time. Too bad they are being shipped to me. They weren’t in stock=(. Happy holidays. My plant has grown taller the last I saw it.

“To Live with shame is to allow it to encapsulate your every undoing” Diuternity

I remember this now=) I’ve been trying hard to remember this. I live by this. I gave this to a friend whom use to carry around quotes bound by a ring. I will someday finish my book=)

Jimbo cuts my hair every two weeks. Emmy takes care of it. Thought things out before even I. A good friend Emmy is=) Jimbo is getting a lot better at cutting my hair. He’ll improve as time goes by. He has four years to getting better at it.

I could love so fervently yet with a flip of the coin, I can turn and walk away so easily. It’s hurtful, yes I agree but it’s something I do and live by. I define lines between everything in my life thus I don’t complicate things. It’s yes or no and NOTHING in-between; it’s black and white with no gray. I’ve picked myself up from relationships small and large and never felt a thing. The only loss I feel are mild retentions of sacrifices and the unions once brought forth that has proceeded such separations.

I admit, I will give an effort to make things work out but once resolute and the result is futile; I simply walk away. I may cry but those tears are not of the union but what has brought forth from it; the lost of a good friend and lover. To be with someone for a lengthy period makes you somewhat joined by the hip I suppose, and once that part is severed from you, it’s like a missing limb that aches in numbness and with time, it will go away. I don’t fully understand myself at times, but those moments of loss and desperation subside within hours if not, minutes. I may cry later on because I miss the missing limb but I didn’t cry for the lost union.

For whatever reasons I’ve lost the severed limb, I don’t recall thinking about the loss any longer than the moment I once lost it. I have accepted the loss as though I accept fate. Fate has brought this to my front doorsteps and now I must rejoice in this sad hour.